I am not who you think (a response post)

“Few people are capable of understanding complex mathematics.”

Hallie Jo Photography (June 2018)

It's summer now. I'm sitting in my red cozy chair, with a view of Mount Adams out the nearest window. The school year is over, and with it, my time at Central Washington University. I graduated with my mathematics degree, an achievement which, for a while, seemed a long time coming, but now appears to have flown by in a whirlwind. I graduated summa cum laude and Dean's scholar. I do not write the preceding sentence to garner attention, but rather because the information is necessary to the remainder of this post. (There's also a black mark on my transcript from my first abstract algebra course, and several other grades I'm not too proud of, in case you wanted to know. My math GPA didn't make it to summa cum laude status.)

One of my Facebook friends got wind of the news. I had Instagrammed a photo of me turning the knob on my Ellensburg apartment for the last time, and the Facebook friend commented on the photo, “You have a tremendous potential. . . . Not many people are capable of understanding complex mathematics.” I know it was kindly meant, a compliment. But that last sentence--that “Not many people are capable of understanding complex mathematics”--struck a dissonant chord with me.

Perhaps my irritation at such an assertion stemmed in part from the fact that referencing my “capability” undermines the extraordinary level of effort it took for me to defeat my demons and learn math. Mathematics is hard, and on top of the difficulty of school, I struggled in turn with grief, homesickness, chronic stress, anxiety, math anxiety, social anxiety, grief again, sleep deprivation so bad I almost fell asleep walking down the hallways of Bouillon Hall, depression, and those intermittent feelings of mathematical worthlessness known as the “impostor syndrome”. I know, of course, that all of these problems were compounded by the stress of school, but then they made learning math harder, too.

I think I now sound condescending and prideful, and I'm sorry, so I will stop.

I will tell you that I am not quick at math. My thoughts are slow, careful, deliberate, and always require a pen and piece of paper. Without writing my process down in complete sentences (thanks to my analysis professor for teaching me this habit) I can deeply understand almost nothing*. In truth, I don't think I deeply understand anything anyway, and I am always irked to my core that I can spend hours poring over a few pages in Rudin's Principles of Mathematical Analysis (affectionately nicknamed “Baby Rudin” by the mathematical community) and yet still come away with only silly questions for my analysis mentor. My slowness at math is one of my biggest insecurities.

But then . . . you still think I am capable of understanding complex mathematics?

I make the claim that almost everyone* is capable of understanding complex mathematics, and that the meaning behind the quote “Few people are capable of understanding complex mathematics,” is really the argument that few people are capable of understanding complex mathematics quickly. Oh wait: but what is meant by quickly?

I have met many who understand math far more quickly than I do. Does that mean I am incapable of mastering mathematics? Certainly not! I have met many who understand some fields of math less quickly than I do. Does that mean they are incapable of mastering mathematics? Certainly not! I know students who have faced huge challenges (including professors telling them they weren't good enough to be in the major) to learning math, and yet still work hard and try to understand the material -- and succeed. If speed is really the thought behind “Few people are capable of understanding complex mathematics,” then the argument is rendered completely useless.

I am not special because I have an undergraduate degree in mathematics. I am not a genius brainiac because I have an undergraduate degree in mathematics. I don't think more quickly than you do. I don't struggle less than you do. You are just as capable as I am of understanding complex mathematics. Maybe if I had known this as a teenager, I would have more deeply considered studying math myself. You don't have to be a man to be capable of understanding math. You don't have to be “good” at high school math to understand complex math (whatever “good” means . . .). You don't have to be the kid who is “good at everything” to be capable of understanding math. You don't have to listen to the lies that you're incapable.

You are capable of understanding complex mathematics, as long as you want to be.

*Not a precise mathematical term.